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On the outside, I can be normal and sometimes
happy even if it's halfpretended. If I had to, I could easily be
the person everyone thinks I am or expects me to be (or whatever does
the job).
On the inside, I feel a deep emptiness............... It's
an emptiness that has found its place between the past and the future.
It far outweighs the depression that once was, and so I won't be
depressive or irrational. In fact, I'm at peace. But 'now' isn't
something to live for.. it's empty. A new Sony digicam may make me
happy for a week or more, but in the end, it'll affect me as little as
the exams I have fucked up so far. Not to say that I won't get this
degree. I'll get it alright, because fortunately some people made me
believe I gotta finish what I started, and quitting is failing. So it's
really not about the subject anymore, it's about finishing the marathon
I have joined. Well! I don't care about the marathon, I don't like
marathons, and I don't care about the certificate for running a
marathon. But Now is ALL about the marathon!
So I feel empty... because all else is about
the past, and the future. I miss my old self a bit. I went to
YongHeDaWang today with my mom and damn! do I miss having lunch with
Jarek and Alan. His dad's office might still be right under my mom's,
but I haven't heard from him for too long to remember. Just one example
of what happens when friends go different ways. Emptying.
And ambition comes at a price. With that and
your own lives to worry about, you end up too busy to be as close to
your friends or loved ones as you wish. My parents already have a big
project where they want me to play a major role. I'm as afraid of
lacking enthusiasm due to the present emptiness as I am of one day
becoming overambitious and missing out on the golf balls in life, which I've seen
has happened to many people. But in this solitary state of emptiness,
I've got nothing to lose anyway.
(So just work your ass off make lotsa money and get yourself a BMW 7
seriessssssniggaaaaaaaaa. The one paradox in here is that jogging is
the greatest thing to do for me to stop feeling shitty and forget about
everything. But I can't be jogging all day now can I, nor do I run marathons.)
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| ... I just woke up *yawn* ...
Imagine I'm 15-ish, still going to highschool etc.
One afternoon, my father tells me to go 'gather some stones'. I know
what he means, those blackish midsized ones, and because I know what
they're for, I don't ask any questions. So I walk down the stairs
leaving our restaurant through the backdoor - to enter our house which
is just next to it.
Opening the door to our house, tho, it leads me to
somewhere else, somewhere not(!) indoors. Standing at the door,
all I can see is a simple road, its borders marked by little piles of
stones, and tall trees on either side of it. As if this is normal, I
start walking and picking up the stones that I want, about one every
ten meters or more. What I slowly realize is that it's gonna be a pain
in the ass to have to walk back with a bunch of heavy stones, and
eventually having to walk all the way back here again to continue. I
imagine things would be so cool if only I could teleport or
blink to the door at least. That would make this so much easier. (And of course when
I hear teleport or blink, immediately WarCraft comes to mind)
Tada! And out of nowhere, I get a watch. A watch -___-
looking like a Casio G-Shock, which I think is ugly. Well, but somewhat happy
about getting a present, I go through the manual to see all the
functions the watch has to offer.
Somewhere in those paragraphs, among those
uninteresting general functions, it says - not in caps or anything that
stands out, as if it wasn't something REVOLUTIONARY - something like
'Press [a] to mark the present time and location. Following, press [b]
to return to the marked time and location.' My reaction is: 'Hey damn,
that sounds like time travel!' Looking for the buttons described, I
realize one is nothing but the [light]-button, and the other one, not
any harder to find, is right above it!
a w e s o m e
s h i t
It also says that this function has some known errors and
'may not always work properly'. But of course I want to try it out
immediately! I drop the heavy load of 3 midsized stones and walk
towards the door. After I press [a], I run back towards the stones I
dropped. I pick them up, and press [b].
u n f u c k i n g b e l i e v a b l e
Okay, I have to stop doing this meaningless task my father
gave me and make better use of this. I'm off to brainstorm what else I
can do with this scary watch. I do realize it doesn't allow for free
time travelling, because you can only jump back in time and
location together, the location part in this case being really handy tho. What worries me a little bit is whether or not
there is a time limit between pressing [a] and [b]. I wonder if it's
limited to less than a minute or hours or not at all, I have no idea.
One of the first things I think of is cheating during exams. You press
[a], walk around checking what others wrote, then you press [b] and
you're back on your chair with some extra information without anyone knowing - kakakaka
To get some more ideas, I get my mother to sit at a table
with me and I tell her about it. She is real excited about what the
ugly G-Shock looking watch can do, but after some time, she is mostly
concerned about the unknown errors which are mentioned in the manual but
not further described. She asks, 'what if out of control, that things
sends you back to medieval times or something?'
Hey interesting question... imagining that, I'm totally gone, picturing what a worst case would be.
I 'wake up' and find myself an SAS student! In this weird
overly clean classroom with lotsa gwai-s doing some weird stuff, and an
even more odd looking gwai teacher walking in.
What happens here I mostly don't remember, probably nothing worth mentioning. But me going to SAS -____-
_____________________
Now, I'm not sure if they came together or were seperate
dreams, but... just remembered enough details and felt like writing
about a dream again.
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tmd stupid weather... been working out and swimming, but I can't jog!
coz it's SO damn cold here still. I've tried to jog a few times already
the past few days, but no matter what I wear, it's just too damn cold
>< 10 minutes max. gay. it's normal that it's cold in the
beginning, but as you jog you're supposed to start feeling warmer. but
it's so icy here it only gets colder and colder... like you're already
cold and you go take a cold shower... damn it
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So finally... after months of saying that I have to go there... I went
to this architecture/engineering exhibition on skyscrapers in
Duesseldorf, on the very last day it's still open, that is. Such
inspiring works........... and finally saw a model of the tower to be
built right next to Jin Mao, the construction site of which I've been
checking out from my mom's office. It's gonna be so much cooler than
Jin Mao, not to mention that ugly colored Oriental Pearl Tower. There's
countless examples of creative architecture accompanied by clever
engineering, and the results are just stunning shit. Serves real well
as a motivation for me who always lacks it =) and makes me wonder if
I'll ever climb the ladder of a big construction company and one day
work with a gosu architect to create something similar. But let's keep
cool and take things step by step........... k, I'm off to studying for
ma next exam now -____-
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An Intercity somewhere between Eindhoven and Heerlen. I'm on my way
home and I just have to take a break from Dan Brown's "Angels and
Demons". Finishing it soon, but as exciting as it is, my eyes are
getting tired. Not like I have been registering much of what I've been
reading the last few minutes anyway. Pretty often when I talk to Dewi I
am reminded of something, and recently the more I think about it, the
more...
I think, "What an idiot I was!" Aarrghhh! Shy but so nice and
sweet a nipponese girl. Talking about missed opportunities, huh
-______- tmd
Well, people fuck up... so it's only normal that I fuck up, too. So
what's the next thing that happens? My cell rings, Dewi calls to ask if I have her
father's keys. Of course I do! Because after walking his dog a second
time, I put and left his housekeys in ma pocket. Yup, because they're
not mine. So I can go return the keys and spend half of Tuesday on
the train doing that. "What an idiot I still am!"
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